“Consent is the key to healthy, pleasurable relationships, and learning about consent begins early at home.” – Heather Bahr, EngErotics COO & Formulation Specialist
As a parent, you always want to give your children the best possible outcome to succeed. Teaching your children about consent is a safety discussion and is more comprehensive than talking exclusively about sexual intercourse. Teaching children about consent can help keep them safe, lead to greater autonomy for the child, and ensure that they know how to give and receive respect.
IT’S NEVER TOO EARLY TO TALK ABOUT CONSENT
For middle school or high school students, discussions around consent may involve conversations about sexual consent, but for younger individuals, the conversation starts at a very basic level with teaching about respect and boundaries and evolves as the child gets older.
It is best to teach your children about consent long before it has anything to do with sex. For example, a prominent concept of consent is to learn about personal boundaries while respecting other people’s. Basic concepts of consent are encouraged to be taught at a young age and to evolve over time with age-appropriate language. It’s crucial to consistently use language and examples that your child can understand.
Discussing consent with your child is essential for fostering respect, safety, and healthy relationships. Starting these conversations early and adapting them as your child gets older can help them understand the importance of boundaries and mutual respect.
**Disclosure: This is a guide to help parents/caregivers with how to start these conversations. Every child is different and may be more/less ready for certain conversations.**
Here’s how to approach the topic of consent at different developmental stages with ideas on how to keep the conversation ongoing.
General Tips for All Ages
Create a Safe Place for talking about bodies and sex, without shame or guilt. A child’s ability to feel safe and comfortable enough to talk with their parent(s), caregiver(s), and/or trusted adult about sensitive topics is the foundation for asking questions and having difficult conversations.
Use Anatomically Correct Terms. It is crucial to educate children on the anatomically correct words for their genitals. There may be awkward moments or jokes and laughter, but that’s ok and normal. The importance is to use the correct terminology (not using nicknames) for all body parts and to feel safe in doing so.
Tip for Parents/Caregivers: Now may be a good time to brush up on your anatomy knowledge. It is important to use anatomically correct language when teaching your child about their body, such as understanding the difference between vulva and vagina.
Allow Autonomy at age-appropriate stages. Typically, individuals enjoy having the ability to make their own decisions, especially at younger ages. This can be as simple as asking what the child would prefer, giving them options, and taking their idea(s) into consideration.
Conversation starter: Which outfit would you like to wear for school tomorrow?
**You will need to help guide the child by describing why or why not that outfit is appropriate. Conversation is key; try not to use the “because I said so” phrase – help your child understand your reasonings.
Model Respectful Behavior. Children learn by example. Show respect for others’ boundaries and communicate openly and respectfully in your interactions. Help your child understand by being clear about your own personal boundaries. For example, if you would prefer privacy while you go to the toilet, explain to your child that you would like to be left alone while you go to the bathroom and ask them to wait elsewhere.
Use Everyday Situations. Take advantage of teachable moments in daily life, such as sharing toys, respecting siblings’ privacy, or watching TV shows that depict relationships. Have small talks when you get the chance. ‘Big talks’ regarding a conversation about consent can be intimidating and “never the right time”, so it’s often best to make the most of opportunities when they come up. For example, there may be a scene from a TV show or movie that you can use to spark a conversation about consent, whether it’s about personal space or sexual consent.
Ask Open-Ended Questions. By avoiding questions that can be answered with a simple “yes” or “no”, you are able to get deeper into what they already know and think at that given time. This is an easy strategy to learn about your child’s knowledge level and comfortability to talk about difficult topics.
Let your Child Ask Questions. If your child feels comfortable asking you hard, difficult, or awkward questions, you are already WINNING. When your child talks to you and asks questions, show them respect by actively listening to them. Your goal is to correct misinformation and explain things at age-appropriate levels.
Oftentimes, there is pressure on the parent with an internal conflict of what to say and how to say it. The best trick is to remember that you only need to answer their question; do not feel pressured to have them understand everything at that given moment. Be scientific, direct, and answer any questions your child may have, without shame or embarrassment.
If your first instinct is embarrassment or to act ashamed, it is best to practice it alone or with a partner/friend. The more you practice these hard conversations, the easier it will be when the time comes to talk to your child.
If your child has questions and you don’t know what to say, tell your child you’re glad they asked, that you don’t know the answer and that you’ll look for some information and get back to them. To lead by example of showing respect to others, make sure you follow up with them when you say you will.
Ongoing Conversation. It is imperative to make consent a regular topic of conversation rather than a one-time discussion. This ongoing conversation continuously evolves with age-appropriate information. This helps normalize the concept and keeps the conversation going throughout the years. Encourage open dialogue and let your child(ren) know they can always come to you with questions or concerns.
Early Childhood (Ages 1-5)
Teach Basic Concepts
Emphasize the Importance of Talking With a Trusted Adult. Affirm that your child knows that if they have an interaction they’re uncomfortable with, with either a peer or an adult, they should always tell an adult who they can trust.
Allow the opportunity to say “yes” or “no” for themselves by letting them have a say in everyday choices. Allow the child to speak up for themselves and whenever possible, respect their wishes.
There will be times when as their parent, options and choices aren’t available to the child; however, you are still able to help them understand that you heard them and that it mattered to you, but that you want to keep them safe and healthy.
Never force a child to hug, touch or kiss anybody, for any reason. Respect the child’s desires and explain to others as needed; for instance, “They are learning about respecting others’ boundaries, including their own”.
Another option is to offer alternatives to your child, such as fist bumps or high-fives. If a family member is demanding a kiss from the child and the child is resistant, you could offer an alternative such as, “Would you rather give them a hug instead”. If the answer is still no, that’s okay. Respect their wishes.
“No” and “Stop” are Important Words. Teach your child that “no’s” are to be acknowledged and honored by others, whether spoken by the child themselves or another person. Additionally, explain to your child that if someone tells them “no” they are to listen and respect that answer by stopping immediately, no matter what.
Allow your child to say no, when appropriate; this leads to greater autonomy and a sense of voice within the child. Similarly, they are allowed to tell their peers “no” and that their statement is to be respected at all times. If their “no” was not respected, they should ask themselves if they feel safe and if not, go to a trusted adult immediately.
Personal Space: A basic way to teach your child about personal space is by explaining that everyone (including themselves) has a “bubble” around them that others should respect. Ask how they feel when someone enters their bubble without permission. Teach them that everyone has a special space around them, and we need to respect that.
Use a “consistent and clear” vocabulary with your child around the concept of consent, — simple words like body, space, and touch. The goal is to create body ownership while understanding and respecting the boundaries of others.
Allow Children to Wash Themselves during bath time. Of course, as the parent, you will need to assist and help as needed, but explaining to your child that their body is for them to touch themselves and for others to touch with consent establishes personal agency and a sense of owning their own body.
You can model consent by asking for permission to help wash your child’s body. Keep it upbeat and always honor the child’s request to not be touched.
You can ask, “Can I wash your back now? How about your feet? How about your bottom?” If the child says “no” then hand them the washcloth and say, “Cool! Your bottom needs to be washed. Would you like to give it a try?”
***While using anatomically correct terminology should take priority, using popular euphemisms (such as “bottom”) will not cause any harm as long as it is clearly understood what those euphemisms are referring to.
Asking for Permission. Teach your child to ask before doing something or touching someone else. Teaching about consent can oftentimes be a conversation about respect.
For example, “Don’t forget to ask them if they would like a hug goodbye”.
Make teaching moments a game! Use role-playing to practice these scenarios with your child(ren).
Help Others who may be in trouble. Talk to your child(ren) about helping other children and to alert a trusted adult when others need help.
Praise your child for assisting others who need help, especially if they alerted you or another adult for help. As your child becomes older, these skills will teach them how to be a helpful bystander.
Encourage them to talk about what feels good and what doesn’t. This can be achieved by guiding your children on what their body does and does not enjoy. The goal is to create a sense of self- and body-awareness within themselves.
As always, it is crucial to respect them and their choices.
Conversation Starters: Do you like to be tickled? Do you like raspberries on your tummy? What about what doesn’t feel good? Do you like it when someone pinches you? Tell me more about that.
Leave space for your child to talk about anything else that comes to mind.
Resources for Parents/Caregivers:
Many children love to read stories with their parent(s)/caregiver(s) before bedtime. Use this quality time to read books that help educate your child on concepts and themes that you are currently trying to teach them. Try reading one of the following books below to help guide your conversation:
- Personal Space Camp
- I Said No! A Kid-to-kid Guide to Keeping Private Parts Private
- Miles is the Boss of His Body
- My Body What I Say Goes
Middle Childhood (Ages 6-9)
Building on Basics
This is the time to get more in-depth with what consent actually means. Some basic ideas to explore with your child: what it means to give consent, what consent sounds like, and what to say when you don’t want to give consent.
Advance on this concept as the child gets older to fit their needs.
Clear Communication: Teach your child that it is healthy to express their feelings and emotions. Emphasize using words like “yes” and “no” clearly; remembering that these single words are complete sentences and may not always deserve an explanation.
Conversation Starter: “If you ever feel uncomfortable, it’s OK to say no.” and “No is a complete sentence. You do not always have to explain yourself.”
Teach your child it’s OK to say no to a friend. If your child doesn’t want to go to a playdate or sleepover, this can be a chance for your child to practice saying no kindly to their peers.
For example, “You do not have to sleep over at their house. How about I come to get you at 8 pm instead?”’.
Empathy. It is just as important to try to understand others’ feelings, as well. A crucial lesson to teach is Respecting No and reinforcing the importance of respecting other people’s boundaries. Explain that if someone says “no” or seems uncomfortable, they should stop immediately.
“Nobody gets to touch you without your permission — and you should be respectful of others’ boundaries too” and “If someone says no to you, it’s important to listen and stop what you’re doing” are conversations to have with your child(ren).
Encourage Children to Observe Others’ Non-Verbal Cues, such as facial expressions during playtime to be sure everyone’s having fun. Body language, for example, is often the only way children know how to express their feelings accurately.
This is a great time to teach more on emotions and what they may look like for others. Play Charade-style guessing games with various emotions (e.g., happy, sad, angry, etc.) to teach your child(ren) on how to read non-verbal cues.
Resources for Parents/Caregivers:
Play this fun song to your child(ren) to emphasize that they are “the boss” of their own body.
Have your child(ren) watch this educational video made for kids to learn about consent.
Pre-Adolescence (Ages 10-14)
More Detailed Discussions
Remember that for children at these ages, it’s a confusing time and that they will be hearing about sex and relationships from unreliable sources, such as their peers or the internet. Remind them that it’s OK to ask questions from adults they trust.
Understanding Consent. At this point, while you have taught lessons regarding consent, you may or may not have used the word “consent” explicitly with your child. Explain that consent means both people agree to what’s happening and that it’s ongoing and can be withdrawn at any time.
Consent – permission for something to happen or agreement to do something.
Ask open-ended questions like, “How do you know whether someone wants to kiss you?” and “How do you think you can tell if someone is romantically interested in you?”
This is a great time to explain enthusiastic consent. Explain that only “yes” means “yes.” Don’t wait for your partner to say “no” to look for consent.
Healthy Relationships. You can learn a lot by asking your child to talk about their friends. Ask your child what they like about their friends and possibly what they may not like so much.
This can be a way to introduce the idea of respectful relationships. Help guide your child(ren) on what a healthy relationship looks like and the qualities of a possibly unhealthy relationship.
Digital Boundaries. In this time of age, it is crucial to discuss social media safety and online interactions. Emphasize to your child(ren) that consent and asking permission apply to sharing images, messages, and personal information.
Show by example! Ask for your child’s consent whether it’s OK to post their picture on social media; if your child says “no” or they’d prefer you to share a different image, respect their choice.
If your child gets a social media account for themself, talk with them about sharing images. If your child wants to share images of other people, they always need to ask first. Likewise, your child should expect other people to ask for permission before sharing their picture; which your child should feel able to say “no” to.
Conversation Starter: “When you’re texting with friends or using social media, it’s important to ask for permission before sharing someone’s picture. Just like in person, everyone deserves to have their boundaries respected online.”
Adolescence (Ages 15-18)
In-Depth and Complex Conversations
At this age, your teenage child needs to know how to give and get sexual consent.
Have your teenager watch this classic video on educating teens on sexual consent.
Teens are hungry for knowledge about sex, consent, and healthy relationships. They want to learn, and they will find a way to get information about sex. If you are the one providing that information — lovingly, honestly, and consistently — they will carry that information out into the world with them.
You could also use online resources to get your child thinking and talking about consent. For example, Planned Parenthood – How Do You Know if Someone Wants to Have Sex with You? is a video featuring diverse couples and various connotations.
Keep Talking About Sex and Consent with Teens as they start to have serious relationships of their own. They may say that they “know it all already”, but continuing the conversation about enthusiastic consent, respecting partners, and clear communication shows them how important these concepts are to you. It also normalizes talking about consent with others, so talking openly and respectfully with partners becomes second nature to teens.
Keep using everyday moments or examples from TV shows, movies, books, and media stories to get conversations started. But your conversations can focus directly on consent now.
For example, “Do you think they both gave enthusiastic consent before having sex?” or “Do you think they were pressured into having sex?”
Mutual Consent: Talk about the importance of mutual consent in all relationships, including romantic and sexual relationships. Emphasize that consent should be enthusiastic, mutual, and informed (there is no gray area to what was agreed upon).
Remember, consent is given freely and enthusiastically.
Recognizing Coercion. Once your child has a confident grasp on the idea of consent, help your teenager understand the difference between consent and coercion.
Coercion – the practice of persuading someone to do something by using force or threats.
Conversation Starter: Discuss scenarios where someone might feel pressured to do something (sexual, or otherwise) and how to handle such situations.
Consent can not be given when under the influence. Explain the risk of decision-making and that signals from others will become unclear when we are impaired from drugs and/or alcohol. It is critical to discuss that if they or another peer has used any drug or alcohol, do not engage in any sexual activities at this time.
Conversation Starter: This may be a good time to transition your discussion with your teen to alcohol/drug safety. Ask them open-ended questions about how they are going to keep themselves and others safe if they are ever impaired:
- How will you know if you’ve had too much to drink?
- What would you do if your driver has had too much to drink? (Make clear that your child can always call you to come get them if needed).
Explain to your teen that a person who is drunk, high, or otherwise impaired should not be sexually touched, harassed, or assaulted in any way. Teach your children to stand up for, and seek help for, a peer who has had too much to drink.
*** Be careful about the language you use with your kids about sexual assault. The responsibility is never on the victim to have prevented his or her assault. It is always on the perpetrator to make the right decision and not harm anyone.
Conclusion
Teaching your children about consent is a continuous process that evolves as they grow, learn, and mature alongside the conversation. Children are going to want to know this information and it is best to be given by someone who they love and trust (such as you!), otherwise, they may be learning misinformation about consent and/or sex from the internet or other peers. By providing age-appropriate information and fostering open communication, you can help your child(ren) build healthy, respectful relationships throughout their lives.
