What if I asked you: What is the goal of sex?
Most people would assume the answer is to orgasm. It’s time we break that cycle.
Somewhere along the way, sex became a race to the finish line. We have been taught to measure the “success” of sex by whether or not we (and our partner) orgasm. While orgasms can absolutely be amazing, making them the goal of sex can set us up for pressure, disappointment, and missed opportunities for a deeper connection.
The Pressure of the Finish Line
Have you ever:
- Faked an orgasm?
- Felt bad that you couldn’t orgasm?
- Wondered why your partner didn’t orgasm?
You’re not the only one.
Research shows:
- Less than 50% of vulva-owners regularly experience orgasm during intercourse and only 6% reported always experiencing an orgasm during sex (Kontula 2009; Kontula and Miettinen 2016)
- The most common reasons for orgasm difficulty were general stress/anxiety, arousal difficulty, sex-specific anxiety, and issues with the partner (Hevesi et al., 2019)
We not only expect ourselves to achieve orgasm every single time, but our partner as well. If this doesn’t occur, you may blame yourself (or your partner) for not being able to achieve the “Big O”.
When orgasm is framed as the ultimate objective, it can create performance anxiety and unnecessary stress. This pressure can take you out of the moment and make sex feel transactional instead of intimate.
Ironically, when you stop pressuring yourself to orgasm, it usually becomes easier to achieve.
The Truth:
Sex can be so much more than the climax
Focusing solely on orgasm can overshadow other important aspects that you may be missing out on. Next time you’re feeling frisky, try reframing your measure of success:
- Intimacy: Sex can be a powerful way to deepen your emotional bond. Eye contact, touch, laughter, and vulnerability can create closeness that lasts long after the physical act. Explore, connect, and enjoy the bliss that intimacy brings. Take your time to appreciate each and every sensation – it may feel more intense when you do.
- Pleasure: Focusing on the journey – what feels good in each moment – can actually make sex more satisfying and orgasms (if they happen) even more likely. Once you stop reaching for orgasm, you allow pleasure to become the goal. Recognize that your body is capable of different types of sexual pleasure. The moments before orgasm are, oftentimes, better than the orgasm itself. Be kind and loving with yourself as you work towards being completely present in the pleasure.
- Satisfaction: Did you enjoy yourself? Satisfaction is about leaving an experience feeling fulfilled and content, not just sexually “completed.” Ask yourself: What did you like most about the experience?
- Playfulness: Sex can be silly, adventurous, and fun. Trying new things and embracing laughter in the bedroom can transform your experience.
- Relaxation & Stress Relief: Sometimes, sex (and masturbation) is about unwinding and feeling grounded in your body. Pleasure without pressure can be incredibly restorative.
Releasing the idea that orgasm is the sole measure of sexual success allows you to be more present and intentional. When you focus on connection, exploration, and pleasure, you naturally create a more fulfilling sexual experience for yourself and your partner.
Shifting Your Mindset
It’s time that we change our approach to sex.
Try replacing your thoughts about performance with the feeling of pleasure and satisfaction. Reframe your intentions: Shift your expectation from having an orgasm to creating space for intimacy and pleasure.
When we are engaging in one of the most vulnerable and intimate acts, we don’t want to be setting ourselves up for disappointment. We need to remember that there are so many more aspects and benefits to sex, besides having an orgasm.
Let’s Rewrite the Story
The goal of sex isn’t to finish – it’s to feel. To connect. To explore. To enjoy.
Similar to how Intimacy is More than Sex, there is more to sex than having an orgasm – and this should be the mentality, whether you are having solo-play (i.e., masturbation) or partnered-sex (i.e., intercourse with another person).
Sex doesn’t need a “grand finale” to be meaningful. Intimacy, pleasure, and satisfaction are the true markers of a rich sex life. So the next time you’re in the mood, try letting go of the finish line and start savoring each part of the journey.
References
Hevesi, K., Gergely Hevesi, B., Kolba, T. N., & Rowland, D. L. (2019). Self-reported reasons for having difficulty reaching orgasm during partnered sex: relation to orgasmic pleasure. Journal of Psychosomatic Obstetrics & Gynecology, 41(2), 106–115. https://doi.org/10.1080/0167482X.2019.1599857
Kontula O. Between sexual desire and reality: the evolution of sex in Finland. The Population Research Institute D49/2009. Helsinki: The Family Federation of Finland; 2009.
Kontula O, Miettinen A. Determinants of female sexual orgasms. Socioaffect Neurosci Psychol. 2016;6(1):31624–21. https://doi.org/10.3402/snp.v6.31624.
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